La Seanda Hendrick AP English Ms. Avallone Period 2 October 10, 2012 PERSONAL SCARLET LETTER ESSAY Insecurity, a word we’re all familiar with. A person’s insecurity is a reflection of one’s self-esteem and pride within their self. There are many things I am insecure about: my face, my weight, my body, the list goes on. These are all things that I believe are flaws about myself. I tend to think that everyone is against me. As if I am everyone’s enemy. That no one is as genuine to me as I am to them. My flaw is overthinking. Always over analyzing someone’s words or actions into what I assume they are meant to be.
This major flaw of mine I believe is the cause of my insecurities. Over thinking has caused me to stress myself out over minor situations that could have easily been avoided. I developed early, very early, as early as 7 years old. In my young mind, I thought I was just like everyone else. That was until someone finally spotted it out, making me aware of my abnormality. This then made me feel self-conscious about my physical appearance. For years to pass, I continued to believe that my abnormality was wrong. As if I was supposed to look like one thing but did not. I hit puberty before anyone of my age.
I was the tallest amongst my friends and classmates and the most developed. Boys at my age did not look at girls that were “bigger” than them, or looked older than them. They were interested in girls that looked their age, which was only about 9 and 10. I did not take this as “I’m too good for them” or “They’re not on my level yet. ” I took this as “boys don’t want me because I am ugly. ” I would think that people only wanted to befriend me just to have a reason to laugh at me, or make me cry – considering I was a huge cry baby – I would think no one genuinely wanted to be my friend.
We are all taught to watch our surroundings and who we allow in our lives. After all, you are a reflection of those that you surround yourself with. As I’ve grown up and have matured, a lot, I am still very self-conscious, but I choose not to let people know. All the hurt and agony I feel, I hide and keep to myself. It can hurt to hear the truth, the desire to know the truth but afraid of what the answer may be. This is where the overthinking plays in. The simplest thought, I over analyze and interpret in my own way and this can most likely cause me to come up with conclusions that were never discussed.
These thoughts that I come u with tend to bring me down, making me feel worse than before. My mind is consistently in motion, I am always processing something. Without the peace of mind I desperately want, I will always scrutinize everything. This is a truly personal flaw that no one could ever point out, much more complex than any physical “flaw”. I have grown to not care what people have to say about what may seem as a flaw to them but I still undergo a personal struggle of attempting not to over analyze situations and allowing them to solve itself instead of making up a solution in my conflicted mind.
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